WHEN CO-WORKERS GO FROM FRIEND TO FOE.

Growing up, plenty of people dished out advice about what kind of job to get. I was told to find a way to get paid doing what I love. I was also told to find a job that paid the bills because I'd resent my passion if it were my job. Each person had a story to prove why their advice was right. Ultimately, I listened to no one and just did what felt right. As a result, I realized one size does not fit all for career advice.
The same goes for befriending the people you work with, or bringing friends into the workplace. For some people, friendship and professionalism go hand-in-hand. For others, not so much. And for certain workers, friendship was integral to the workplace until things went very, very wrong.
"It can be very good or very bad -- depending on a number of factors, including the personalities of the people who are friends and their relationship in the workplace. For example: Is one person insecure, jealous, needy or passive-aggressive? Is one supervising the other? Are they in a very competitive environment? Are there wide discrepancies between their salaries or earning power?" says Irene S. Levine, author of "Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with a Best Friend."
"Because of the potential downsides, such friendships should be approached slowly and judiciously to avoid disappointments. You need to allow them to unfold slowly so you have a good sense of the other person -- and know whether the person is trustworthy and has good judgment," says Levine.
If only some people got this advice early in their careers.
First comes friendship, then comes betrayal
At a previous job, Crystal Brown-Tatum was a receptionist but had formed a professional friendship with a sales executive -- one of the few people in the office who showed her respect. That all changed when the sales executive became involved with Brown-Tatum's fiancé, who was a manager at the same company. As you might expect, the friendship suffered, and so did her career. As a result, Brown-Tatum was put on paid leave to "cool down" and her access to e-mail and the premises was restricted.
"By the time the affair came out, [my fiancé] was relocated to a New York office while [the sales manager] and I remained in the Houston office," she says. "When I returned to work, we were all advised by HR not to discuss the relationship or face severe consequences. I had to go out of my way to avoid her but everyone in the office knew. It was extremely awkward."
Another consequence of the situation was how distrusting she became with colleagues, even after she had moved on to a new employer. She was especially hesitant around the women in the office. Ultimately she started her own company, Crystal Clear Communications, because the thought of working in a similar environment was too much for her.
Leslie Jacobs of Les Mess Organizing Cards also found her work life go from peaceful to turbulent in a brief moment. She was friends with an office manager at a previous employer. They were regular lunch friends and spent much of their time together. Then one day the office manager stopped talking to her. Years before the friend had done something similar, but the silent treatment didn't last long so Jacobs dismissed it as a one-time event. This time it was permanent -- no explanation and no opportunity for Jacobs to understand what was going on.
"I asked her to talk to me -- let's talk this out. She refused," Jacobs remembers. "She would only talk to me in a very businesslike way. But, as office manager she had the power to make my job easy or not -- and she chose not." Not surprisingly, there was a round of layoffs shortly after and Jacobs was let go from her job. Although she was told it was a financial issue, Jacobs knew that wasn't the case -- especially when she saw the organization throw a party for 50,000 attendees. She never found out the reason for the sudden change of heart, but she knows former colleagues are being told a significantly different story to explain Jacobs' departure.
A friendship postmortem
Sometimes the friendship falls apart after the professional relationship ends, which can be just as hurtful. That's what happened to Linda Athans, now a marketing manager at Mangrove Employer Services. For a previous company she was a director and had hired an assistant from another department. She established a mentor/protégé relationship with the assistant.
"The two of us not only reshaped the entire department for the company, but also became great friends in the process ... almost sisters," Athans says. "We saw each other outside work frequently, shared secrets and could be both professional and silly with each other. I was even in her wedding!"
Unfortunately, Athans' position was eliminated and she left work permanently on a Friday afternoon. She didn't hear from the assistant until Monday morning, and then it was only to ask about project Athans had been working on. She was apparently filling Athans' role and made no attempt to approach her as a friend.
"Needless to say I was upset at the callousness -¬ I had just lost my job of four years.[I] told her that I didn't work there anymore and she should get direction from the VP," Athans says. "She got angry with me, hung up, and that was that."
They've seen each other since and their interaction has gone from cordial to nonexistent. For Athans, the lesson learned was that friendships shouldn't exist within the office.
"Most of what we shared revolved around work and being in the same situation. But once I left, it was obvious that we didn't really have that much in common and were two very different people. Sometimes I am reminded of her and remember the good times we had fondly, but that relationship definitely changed how close I get to people in the workplace."
How to deal
What do you do if your friendship with a co-worker is going south? And what if it's beyond repair? Levine has some tips for workers:
• Notice the warning signs and stay calm
"The first step would be to communicate, without casting blame, to see if a minor misunderstanding can be straightened out," Levine advises. "Perhaps it is a question of establishing boundaries with which both friends feel comfortable. Depending on what happened, for example, two friends may decide to only be friends in the workplace or to only be friends outside of work, limiting their conversation about work."
• Approach with caution
"If the friendship is falling apart, you might want to act cordial but slowly pull back, spending last time and sharing fewer intimacies with the individual. You still want to act friendly and greet them in the workplace. The last thing you want to do is to draw other people into your conflict [or] misunderstanding," Levine suggests.
• Understand the kind of friendship you have
"Workers need to remember that not all friendships stick," Levine reminds. "Most are transient and you don't want to do anything to jeopardize your employment and reputation, particularly in this economy. On the other hand, friends in the workplace can be your greatest collaborators, cheerleaders, and shoulders to cry on and re-energize."

HOW TO BE INDISPENSABLE AT WORK

The global economy has taken a big hit, and millions of Americans have lost their jobs. All of us, it seems, are vulnerable. How can you increase the odds that you won't become a grim statistic of company downsizing?

The answer? Create your own personal brand. In today's uncertain financial environment, if you're just another face at the water cooler, you run a far greater risk of ending up in the unemployment line. Branding yourself is one of the best preventive strategies to make sure you survive and even thrive in the workplace. Think of your personal brand as a bankaccount that will only increase in worth the more effort, thought, imagination, and resources you put into it. Here are a few tips on how to get started.

Define who you are (and who you aren't)
Ask yourself what makes you different from your colleagues at work. Your punctuality and sense of responsibility? Your ability to juggle multiple tasks without losing your cool? One of the best ways to create a personal brand is to take two everyday tasks and combine them in an extraordinary way. For example, let's say you're a cashier in a big-box store and you enjoy sitting in its fast-food emporium during your breaks. Is there anything you've observed that might be valuable for management to know about -- for instance, that customers wish there were more prepackaged sandwiches and salads? Let management know. By sharing your observations, you'll set yourself apart from the competition.
Real People, Real Salaries: Check out what everyday Americans are making across the country

Become well known for one thing
Think for a moment about the high-profile brands that surround us every day. They each have a single phrase you can instantly apply to them: Google (search engine), Volvo (safe car), Coca-Cola (all-American), Marlboros (cowboys -- hey, sorry, but it's the truth).

Now, what's the one adjective or phrase you imagine comes to mind when your co-workers think about you? Listener? Mentor? Funny? Dependable? Captain Crisis? If there isn't one, then create it. Next, begin to live it. Why just a single word? Because as a culture, we are flooded with too much information, whether we're tweeting, e-mailing, juggling cellphone calls. Amid this barrage of white noise, individuals who can attract attention via a simple association have a decided advantage.

Communicate your brand
Once you've decided on the phrase that best sums you up, consider making an impression online. I can hear you now: "I can't start a website! What on earth would I put on it?" C'mon -- the Internet is the most influential medium in the world, and creating a personal website is easy and inexpensive. Ask yourself: What do I have to say that's fresh and provocative? If you can come up with some intriguing observations or a new angle or point of view, then you're well on your way to creating a solid online presence.

For example: A young guy was working at the Gap when he got an idea for a video blog: a gay man giving advice about fashion trends. Hundreds of thousands of hits later (not to mention increased traffic across Gap stores nationwide), the employee had made his mark. By doling out free, useful, tongue-in-cheek advice from a novel perspective, he succeeded in creating an indelible personal brand.

Create a signature look
Now that you've figured out what sets you apart from the other faces in the crowd, make sure you keep at it! Most famous people, for example, have one component or element that makes them instantly recognizable, appealing, or mysterious. It could be Clint Eastwood's squint, Barack Obama's cool intelligence, or Will Ferrell's goofiness, just to take three examples. Believe me, these elements aren't going anywhere soon.
Sneak a peek at celebrity paychecks
For most of my career as a global-branding expert, I've dressed head-to-toe in black. Apart from my work, it's how people recognize me, occasionally even in the streets. Every now and then, I mix things up by wearing other colors. And guess what? People walk right past me, completely oblivious. So, without being flamboyant about it, find a signature look that works for you, then stick with it. You'll become the equivalent of a celebrity in your office -- and ensure you keep your job long after the recession has become a distant memory.

Leave a personal mark behind
Most business cards bore you silly, right? You tuck them inside your wallet or purse, then promptly forget about them. My advice: Create a distinctive mark or "signature" that other people can't get out of their minds. It can be a logo, a symbol, or a saying you affix to the end of your personal e-mails. Once again, combine two elements that have nothing to do with each other -- flying monkeys, for example. Whenever I think about The Wizard of Oz, those horrible flying monkeys spring immediately to mind. Why? Because as we all know, monkeys don't have wings (at least the ones I know). If you create an equally dramatic mark or signature, I guarantee no one will ever overlook you.

DO PRETTY PEOPLE EARN MORE?

Studies show attractive students get more attention and higher evaluations from their teachers, good-looking patients get more personalized care from their doctors, and handsome criminals receive lighter sentences than less attractive convicts. But how much do looks matter at work?

The ugly truth, according to economics professors Daniel Hamermesh of the University of Texas and Jeff Biddle of Michigan State University, is that plain people earn 5 to 10 percent less than people of average looks, who in turn earn 3 to 8 percent less than those deemed good-looking.

These findings concur with other research that shows the penalty for being homely exceeds the premium for beauty and that across all occupations, the effects are greater for men than women.

A London Guildhall University survey of 11,000 33-year-olds found that unattractive men earned 15 percent less than those deemed attractive, while plain women earned 11 percent less than their prettier counterparts. In their report "Beauty, Productivity and Discrimination: Lawyers', Looks and Lucre," Hamermesh and Biddle found that the probability of a male attorney attaining early partnership directly correlates with how handsome he is.

Size matters, too. A study released last year by two professors at the University of Florida and the University of North Carolina found that tall people earn considerably more money throughout their careers than their shorter coworkers, with each inch adding about $789 a year in pay.

A survey of male graduates of the University of Pittsburgh found that the tallest students? average starting salary was 12 percent higher than their shorter colleagues?. The London Guildhall study showed that overweight women are more likely to be unemployed, and that those who are working earn on average five percent less than their trimmer peers.

According to Dr. Gordon Patzer, who has spent over three decades studying and writing about physical attractiveness, human beings are hard-wired to respond more favorably to attractive people. Even studies of babies show they will look more intently and longer at prettier faces.

"Good-looking men and women are generally judged to be more talented, kind, honest and intelligent than their less attractive counterparts," says Patzer. "Controlled studies show people go out of their way to help attractive people - of the same and opposite sex - because they want to be liked and accepted by good-looking people."

This may not sound too pretty to those of us who were dealt a bad hand in the looks department. But don?t rush off to try out for the next round of Extreme Makeover just yet.

Despite what the research tells us, some of the world?s most successful people have been ordinary looking at best, and you would never mistake the faces in Fortune for the faces in Esquire or Entertainment Weekly. Business legends are often of average height (Bill Gates at 5'9½") or even diminutive (Jack Welch, 5'8", and Ross Perot at 5'7"). What?s more, many folks who are lovely to look at complain that they lose out on jobs because people assume they are vacuous or "lightweights."

How does this reconcile with all the research? Hiring managers say it is the appearance of confidence they find attractive, not the presence of physical beauty. And they contend that attractiveness has more to do with how you carry yourself and the energy you exude ? rather than having perfect features or a great physique

ARE SINGLE WORKERS TREATED DIFFERENTLY?

In a classic episode of the TV show "Sex and the City," Carrie Bradshaw realizes that she's spent thousands of dollars on gifts for one of her married friends. With bridal showers, wedding gifts and eventually baby showers, she has devoted much of her time and money celebrating her married friends' life choices. It dawns on Bradshaw that, conversely, no one gives single people any kudos for their decisions to stay single or not have children.
The episode makes clear that Bradshaw, the representative for singles everywhere, has no personal rift with her married friends. Her beef is with the culture that unjustly rewards one group of people over another.
For many single workers, that issue follows them into the workplace.
Different rules for different people
A recent CareerBuilder.com survey found more than 21 percent of workers who have never been married believe their companies show favoritism to married co-workers over single ones. Even more workers who have never been married (nearly 30 percent) claim their company provides more flexibility for married co-workers over single ones.
Ken Wisnefski, president of marketing company WebiMax.com, says that you don't have to make the same rules for all workers as long as you're appreciating the circumstances of everyone.
"All workers are different," he reminds. "If you have the means, approaching all workers as an individual can have a positive impact on your business." Because he has a moderate amount of workers compared with larger firms, he can give individual attention to his employees.
"For instance, I understand parents with schoolchildren may need to drop them off [or] pick them up from school. I know that employees living further away are concerned with the morning and afternoon rush hour. I know that it may be easier to call a single worker with an emergency rather than one with a family," Wisnefski says. But he also understands that his writer might want to go surfing in the morning, so as long as it doesn't hurt the company, the option is available. "Understanding them and their lives outside of work makes it easier to manage them and to get more production out of them."
Parental rights
Some workers think preferential treatment arises not from your marital status, but rather from your parental obligations. Jennifer Wakefield, director of public relations for the Metro Orlando Economic Development Commission, remembers a situation that irked her when she was a bank teller in college.
"I've not noticed a disparity between single versus married, but several years ago with a previous employer, employees with children received four hours of [personal time off] per month to attend school plays and functions," Wakefield recalls. "However, as an employee without children, I was not allocated time to see my nephew in school plays and functions."
John Welton of Voce Communications agrees that the system is set up to accommodate workers with children, though he took a step to equal the playing field. In his office of young professionals, he's seen over half of his colleagues take maternity or paternity leaves at one time or another. They've also incorporated flexible work-from-home days into their schedules. Welton isn't bothered by the demands of his co-workers' lifestyles and realizes that everyone's situation is different.
"Unless my cat gets sick, I don't have the same requests they do as far as motherhood, fatherhood or sick children," he explains. But he also realized that in his midsize company, every absent worker puts more stress on others, so he decided to ask for a much-needed rest.
"I spoke with my boss, saying that after covering for over three paternity and maternity leaves over the course of almost a year, I needed one of my own," Welton explains. "I was granted leave -- we called it 'John's leave.'" He was able to turn his regular vacation time into an extended break. He came back from his break refreshed and ready to jump back in. Perhaps more importantly, Welton felt that his boss had displayed a great amount of trust and appreciation for his work. And that's something all workers, regardless of their situations, look for in an employer.

Top 10 Ways to Use Your Female Advantage in Business

The conventional wisdom has been that women have trouble succeeding because they don't act like men. But playing it like a man doesn't work because it brands you as tough and aggressive. And it's stupid for the most basic reason. We're not men. And that's an advantage.
It's common sense to be authentic, and it's smart branding. Your personal brand must come from who you are and what makes you tick -- including your strengths and aptitudes as a woman.
Here is my top 10 list of how to use your female aptitudes to increase your success in business:
1. Turn up your empathy quotient (EmQ)
Women are strong in empathy thanks in part to higher levels of estrogen and oxytocin. So it's no wonder that when President Obama cited "empathy" as a key factor in his selection of a Supreme Court justice, the four finalists were women.
How to leverage empathy: Be approachable and empathize with the feelings of others. People will feel understood even if you are giving them bad news! You can use empathy to build consensus around a common goal.
2. Create an appealing package
Studies show that attractive people not only make more money, they are viewed as smarter, more productive, and even kinder than others. Women have an advantage because we have more "visual packaging tools."
How to package yourself: Don't mimic the male model -- that's so 20th century. Use the French women's model: Dress like a woman and accentuate your best features. If you don't have the body of a fashion model, do something wonderful with your hair and clothing. Develop a distinctive look with a signature color, accessories and so on. Work on your posture and how you move.
3. Reach out and connect
Women have the social gene and an innate ability to build relationships and connect with people, studies show. Women are natural-born networkers, team builders and relationship mavens.
How to use people power: The larger your network, the more career capital you'll have. So don't just use your people power to develop deep relationships with a few; use it to also develop a broad network of more casual acquaintances with all types of people.
4. Speak with panache
Women routinely outscore men on oral and written tests because they use both hemispheres of the brain -- left and right -- to process verbal and emotional messages.
How to use your verbal agility in the workplace: Use your verbal skills to speak up: Ask great questions and listen actively. Hone your business conversation and presentation skills. Pitch yourself for a move up or a lateral move with interesting "stories" about your past performance.
5. Be inclusive
Choosing inclusion over exclusion is a powerful female strength. In today's modern, global companies, the ability to work well with diverse groups will set you apart.
How of leverage inclusiveness: Encourage different perspectives and offer goodwill to everyone -- friends and foes. Cultivate strong alliances and be loyal.
6. Read between the lines
MRI imaging and other brain research show that women are much better at picking up subtle emotional messages than men are. Women can pick up body language and are able to detect unspoken signals of unhappiness, frustration, and confusion.
How to leverage emotional intelligence: Look beyond verbal messages to the real message people are conveying in meetings. If something feels uncomfortable or incomplete, act on your intuition and follow up with a phone call.
7. Empower others
Studies show that women tend to work together collaboratively, empowering different members of the team to contribute and accomplish tasks. So rather than seek power over others, the female leadership style seeks to empower others.
How to leverage the female leadership style: Create teams and a personal "board of directors" who can advise you -- and be sure to include men too. Give public credit to other people when they contribute.
8. See the big picture
Women tend to take in various perspectives and consider a larger framework when solving a problem or making a decision, while men's style of problem solving tends to be more linear and transactional.
How to leverage big-picture thinking: Use your problem-solving style to uncover risks and opportunities, and bring more creativity and innovation to your work.
9. Be likeable
Women's gifts for relationships, compassion, connection and empathy make them the more likeable gender. And let's face it, the workplace is a personality contest too, so likeability is a key factor in success.
How to leverage likeability: Smile and be positive -- as opposed to being serious and stern -- and you will win over business fans and be more influential in your work.
10. Brand yourself
Use the nine female aptitudes listed above to brand yourself for success.

IS EMPATHY HELPING OR HURTING YOUR CAREER?

When President Barack Obama announced he was looking for a Supreme Court nominee who demonstrated empathy, it triggered a national conversation about empathy -- and whether it's a pro or con for a justice of the highest U.S. court.
How about in the workplace? Is empathy an asset -- or does it make you appear weak, indecisive and vulnerable?
In the workplace, empathy has both an upside and a downside. People who are extremely empathetic and sensitive need to be aware of both.
Am I an empath?
Take this self-assessment test from "Emotional Freedom" to see if you are a super-empathetic person. Answer yes or no to each question:
1. Have I been labeled by co-workers as "too emotional" or overly sensitive?
2. If a co-worker is distraught, does it affect my mood at work?
3. Are my feelings easily hurt when a supervisor or peer delivers negative feedback?
4. Am I emotionally drained when I have to work closely with others, and do I require time alone to revive?
5. Do my nerves get frayed by office noise, machine noise, smells or excessive talking?
6. Do I prefer working quietly and off by myself?
7. Do I overeat or need a happy-hour cocktail to deal with work-related stress?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're at least part empath. Responding "yes" to more than three indicates that you're quite sensitive and empathetic.
The empath's upside at work
You are big-hearted, and big-hearted people are gifted helpers and mentors. Empaths are patient, kind and compassionate -- just what you need as a manager, trainer or team leader.
You are passionate, and passionate people put their all into projects. Empathetic people are passionate about their beliefs and ideas. In creative roles, or as sales or marketing people, passion is a plus.
You are intuitive, and intuitive people can read between the lines. Empaths often perceive gray areas in a discussion or sense unspoken tension in meetings. Their ability to read others' feelings is a critical skill in negotiating and personnel management.
You are an emotionally responsive person, and that means you are a great communicator. Listening is an essential business skill, and those who are best at it are emotional empaths who have a well-developed ability to relate to others, and then interpret or build on what they see and hear.
You are "in touch" with your emotions, which means others can connect well with you. We most admire and best relate to people who are authentic. In other words, they show their emotions. In the business world, being "real" helps you build networks, earn the loyalty of others, win clients and forge alliances.
The empath's downside at work
You're an emotional sponge. Super-empathetic people tend to pick up on others' emotions. This can be detrimental when a cool-headed leader is needed, or when an objective perspective would yield a clearer decision.
You're prone to anxiety, depression and fatigue. If you're always tuned in to co-workers' feelings, it's difficult to keep your nerves from getting frazzled. You need to be able to process emotions coming at you from all directions.
You may find it hard to work well with others. Empaths often need to work alone, and they seek solitude in order to regain their calm. Others may see you as anti-social.
You may be a victim of emotional vampires. Emotional vampires are people who suck the energy right out of you and leave you feeling drained and depleted. They may do this by being needy, talkative or cruel or by running right over you. There are lots of different types of emotional vampires -- and they're naturally drawn to empaths like you.
If you are a super-sensitive and empathetic person, be aware of the ways this wonderful trait serves you in the workplace. But be extra careful to protect your emotional and physical health, because empathetic people are, by definition, more vulnerable and open than their peers.

MINDSETS OF A SUCCESSFUL LEADER

Have you found yourself thinking of starting your own business? Are you trying to climb the corporate ladder while the company is working through the recession? In other words, are you aiming to be a leader?
Well, behind every great leader, at the base of every great tale of success, you will find an indispensable circle of trusted advisers, mentors and colleagues. These groups come in all forms and sizes, and can be found at every level and in nearly all spheres of both professional and personal life. What they all have in common is a unique kind of connection with each other that I've come to call "lifeline relationships."
In order to build these all-important lifeline relationships, there are four core mindsets that can be learned and practiced, and help lead you on a path to personal and financial prosperity. They are:
Generosity
This is the base from which all the other behaviors arise. This is the commitment to mutual support that begins with the willingness to show up and creatively share our deepest insights and ideas with the world. It's the promise to help others succeed by whatever means you can muster. Generosity signals the end of isolation by cracking open a door to a trusting emotional environment, what I call a "safe space" -- the kind of environment that's necessary for creating relationships in which the other mindsets can flourish.
Vulnerability
This means letting your guard down so mutual understanding can occur. Here you cross the threshold into a safe space after intimacy and trust have pushed the door wide open. The relationship engendered by generosity then moves toward a place of fearless friendship where risks are taken and invitations are offered to others.
Candor
This is the freedom to be totally honest with those in whom you confide. Vulnerability clears the pathways of feedback so that you are able to share your hopes and fears. Candor allows us to begin to constructively interpret, respond to and grapple with that information.
Accountability
Accountability refers to following through on the promises you make to others. It's about giving and receiving the feet-to-the-fire tough love through which real change is sustained.
The real key to establishing close relationships with people you consider your trusted advisers in your career and in your personal life is how these four mindsets work together.
The process starts with generosity. It jolts people out of traditional transactional do-for-me-and-I'll-do-for-you relationships. Actively reaching out to and helping others gives us the opportunity and permission to take a relationship to a deeper level. This allows us to explore intimacy, ultimately to the point of being vulnerable and open with one another.
If we've created a safe space, a place where we feel safe enough to say candidly what we think and feel, we can take greater risks in the relationship. It can lead to making a commitment to mutually support one another through thick and thin and to hold one another accountable for doing the things that will allow us to achieve our dreams and destinies. Taking such risks can lead us to create more than just friendships -- we can create lifeline relationships to a better future.
This process is iterative: The more you give, the deeper you get and the more profound your sharing becomes. That strengthens your safe space, and provides more freedom to be vulnerable and candid -- which opens the relationship even more deeply. Trust builds incrementally, by stages, growing deeper and stronger as the mindsets are practiced more sincerely and passionately.
Once you work within the four mindsets, you will see it's a truly inspiring experience. Whether you're working with an experienced sales team or building a business from scratch, the lifeline relationships you build will become more than your colleagues or assistants. They will become you're a trusted circle of advisers and your peers.
That's worth repeating: peers. Equals. Even though one of them may have clear organizational authority -- and the title and decision-making power to go with it -- each member functions as a highly respected equal, offering up creative ideas, candid feedback and criticism voiced with authentic concern for the others' interests, and rigorous attention to accountability around goals, goal setting, follow-through and, of course, results. Each member has free, open and respectful permission to call the others out when they are falling short (because we all fall short, and most of us, as I know well, tend to do so repeatedly).
Do you want to be more successful in your career and more fulfilled in your life? Then let's get started.. Right now!!!